Christian Training Series (1990)

Renewing God's Pattern For The Home: Courage

“Mirror, mirror on the wall,” the words of the familiar fairy tale goes.  But still the wicked queen, staring into the mirror, sees only a true reflection of herself.  When the church of today takes a serious looks into the mirror of God’s Word (James 1:23) will she find herself to have more in common with the New Testament pattern for the church and daily Christian (family/home) life or with the world?  The Lord’s call for separation (2 Corinthians 6:17) may not be as clear as we would like, since man always seems to lag behind Divine expectation and spiritual ideals, as if hoping to get by on the minimum requirements.  The problems and issues of the world are detectable in the Lord’s body.  To look hard and fast into that mirror takes courage.  Courage is the second tool God would have us use in renewing His pattern for our family.

An honest look into the security of our churches will reveal the struggles and sins of the world.  Reports have surfaced of preachers on drugs and involved in various sexual sins.  Elders have brought shame on the Lord’s church and broken apart their families through sexual affairs.  In St. Louis a murder/suicide was reported, family members attended an area church of Christ (St. Louis Post Dispatch, 7-12-87).  Although not, by any stretch of the imagination, commonplace, the world’s problems do not avoid the church.  Paul Faulkner, in his book Making Things Right When Things Go Wrong, quotes an anonymous lady: “My parents appeared to be very Christ-like in church.”  She added, “I was an abused child – sexually and spiritually.”  In a letter to the editor of the Gospel Advocate, May 1988, another victim write, “the church has ignored this problem too long.”  In September of that year The Christian Chronicle stepped forward to address again the painful and obscene problem that has spilled over from the world and infected the church.  These issues only seem to heighten the need for the discussions we are participating in this week.  Even in the Lord’s church, and especially in the world, a great need is present to renew God’s pattern for the family, to learn how to treat those we have vowed to love.  To make these changes will demand courage, first to admit the wrong, then to replace it with the right.

Value.  The family is a divine institution.  A return to the beginning stresses the origin and purpose of the family.  It was not good for man to be alone and God, in His wisdom, bestowed upon Adam a great gift of love.  Those making up the home are in the image of God and therefore to be honored.  Paul refers us to this fact in Ephesians chapters five and six.  Husbands and wives are to conduct themselves with love and respect.  The parent/child relationship is to embody love and honor.  Here are found divine directives leading to the family operating within God's pattern.  Not all problems will hereby be avoided, but in facing those issues that will inevitably come the family will be constantly reminded of their value.   God.  The family is a spiritual unit.  It is impossible to have a Christian home without a strong spiritual bond.  It is beyond human capability to sustain such a bond without great effort.  Yet, many families have taken this area for granted only to later wonder what when wrong.  What place has Bible study and prayer had in the home?  When has the family become involved as a unit in Christ-centered service to others?  When will the home become a haven from the world and not a reflection of it (2 Timothy 1:5)?  It will not until God's pattern for the family is renewed.

The cover story in the April 1990 Gospel Advocate addressed the concerns of family violence.  In this issue we are told that the average marriage lasts about seven years.  Half of the divorces occur in marriages lasting only three years and twenty percent of divorce takes place before the second anniversary.  Before the plane has a chance to get off the ground the crew has fled the tarmac!  People do not know how to treat their families.

A conservative estimate, according to Terry Smith, director of professional services at Paragould Children’s Homes in Arkansas, says thirteen million couples experience some form of violence in the family.  Twenty-five percent of all homicides occurring in the United States involve a spouse killing a spouse.  Family violence is the largest category of crime in our nation.  Almost two million wives are victims, on the receiving end of their husband’s violent attacks every years.  Such a problem is not pleasant nor is it likely to go away.  The church is equipped with the truth to restore a family priority to the ministry and teach individuals how to treat their family by developing and maintaining a string spiritual bond.

Heaven.  The family is eternity bound.  Individually, each member of every family is a step closer to eternity, either a lake of fire or the throne of God.  One must not underestimate the family’s influence on the eternal destiny of its members.  Harmony, peace and godly examples lived in everyday family life will account for many a soul singing eternal praises of glory in glory.  God would have us give our family a taste of heaven in our home life.  He would have us renew His pattern for our family and live it out each day.  Such a family will know how to treat one another, allow God to truly have the place of honor in the family and live looking to heaven, planning to meet there to thank God throughout eternity for His gift of your home.

  This is no empty dream that is beyond human realization.  Harry Houdini, the great escape artist, could break out of any jail, almost.  On one occasion he was left alone in a cell to work on the lock with the strong flexible piece of metal he had concealed in his belt.  The lock was a stubborn one.  After two hours of intense effort he collapsed against the door in exhaustion and the door swung open, it had never been locked!  People feverishly work at unlocking the family’s door to happiness in much the same manner never realizing that God, in His plan for our lives, has left the door unlocked all along.

I do not close my eyes and deny that family violence is present.  Neither do I over respond with the fear that it is everywhere.  Most of the homes I know of have problems but not battles.  So we turn away from the dangerous extreme of family violence to examine other areas of that further illustrate the need for courage.  These, rather than being encountered only occasionally and only found hidden under mounds of shame and guilt, are openly displayed on a daily basis.  God’s pattern for the family calls for regular doses of courage to reject ungodly and spiritually dangerous traits and an acceptance of Christ like character in the home.  A child with courage to be different in order to be saved does not happen by accident.  There are so many areas into which this discussion could tough that I will only attempt to deal with three areas.

We go back many years to find a nation which has been chosen, redeemed and is sustained by a God seen only in clouds and fire.  On a mountaintop in the desert this nation is given a Law.  Ten Commandments issue as the heart of this new system of government.  The fifth is worded in this manner:  “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).  Those words are of great significance for at least three reasons.  First, God gave it.  Second, it was the first command addressing human inter-relations.  Third, it was the first command connected to a promise.  Their stay in the Promised Land, toward which they were marching, was contingent upon the success they attained in keeping this charge.  Years later Paul would repeat this essential command (Ephesians 6:1-3).

Discharging this parental duty has never been easy.  Trouble began to boil as far back as Genesis chapter four.  The complaint of one distinguished mind has been repeated time and again:

Our youth now love luxury.  They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders, and love chatter in places of exercise.  They no longer rise when elders enter the room.  They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.

This is not the lament of a modern junior high school teacher, it is the observation of the fifth century B.C. scholar, Socrates.

Although parental responsibility does not end in the teen years and certainly does not begin there, it seems that it is during those years most parents find themselves tested by their teenaged children.  Consider these three areas and the examples of courage they require.

Dress.  God calls us to modesty.  The original language conveys the sense of shame, an awareness of the body, and a sense of honor, for God and others.  The question it raises is one of propriety, what is appropriate and proper (1 Timothy 2:9).  Modesty is not defined as a standard dress code.  This, then, demands caution and not harsh dogmatism.  Peter seemed to address it properly when he called for one to remember to whom they belonged and to dress reflecting honor upon that relationship (1 Peter 3:3-4).  It takes courage for parents to retain a strong influence on the dress habits of maturing children while stressing the reasons behind the rules.  The result of such courage may prevent much heartache and  regret for our youth in years to come.

Dating.  Our practice of dating is a cultural phenomenon, not even apart of the marriage system of the first century world.  However, the bible is not silent on this topic.  The courage of parental responsibility serves as a steady guide during these often troubling years.  This responsibility embraces the need to protect and train the child.  Our children need to see in us the courage to choose wisely with whom we associate on the path of life.  A child who is taught the need to choose a mate who will truly be a help-meet on the path to heaven has received a great blessing from their parents.  Paul’s admonition must be stressed at an early age: beware of improper friendships (1 Corinthians 15:33) and marry a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Besides the influence others are allowed to exert upon us, the temptations of this world require courage to face.  A child needs to be made aware, as he grows, of the dangers that lurk in the world.  The goal is not paranoia but young people prepared to decide with courage when faced with the most dangerous temptations in life.  That, after all, is the gist of Solomon’s advice: “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old (able to decide for himself) he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).  Train them to make good choices and to keep their goal of a strong Christian home always in clear focus.

Parents need the courage to teach purity to their children.  Contrary to the world’s philosophy, there is right and wrong.  Our beliefs concerning what is right or wrong must come from God’s inspired Word.  Another element that must be taught is how to apply those values to daily living.  We like to think that our beliefs and values are the same, but this may not always be the case.  A gap sometimes exists, complete with double standards, rationalizations, excuses, and even spiritual blindness.  Children will witness this hypocrisy although they may not buy the “explanation.”  This make is imperative that parents “practice what they preach” and that they remain true to God’s truth.  Then they can teach their children that it is important to remain pure now because it is God’s will, the dangers of disease and the harmony of the future home hang in the balance.  Children need courage to understand that peer pressure doesn’t always have to work to Satan's advantage!  A dedicated young person can wield a strong influence for good in the right company.  When facing the dangers of dating, youth need the courage to say no to a path that will lead away from the desired goal.

Dancing.  When Paul thumbs through the list of the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21) a sense of relief is often felt that he is not speaking of us.  A closer examination of what Paul is saying may bring embarrassment to some.

Included in that list is “licentiousness.”  Thayer says of the Greek word Paul uses here:  “Unbridled lust, excess, licentiousness, lasciviousness, wantonness, outrageousness, insolence.  Wanton (acts or) manners, as filthy words, indecent bodily movements, unchaste handling of males and females, etc..”  Another word Paul used was “revelries.”  In Liddell and Scott’s Greek lexicon this word is described as follows:  “A jovial feast with music and dancing, a carousal; a festive lascivious feasting.”  The list concludes with a catch-all phrase “and the like” (21).  Paul wants to include a wider sweep around the activities he has described to warn Christians of the spiritual dangers such sinful activities pose to the spiritual life and destiny of themselves and their families.

Dress, dating and dancing are topics easily dismissed by some as trivial but they are representative of a vast array of topics.  Do parents have the courage to monitor and regulate the television and entertainment of their children?  Do they have the courage to be involved in the educational process of their young children?  It is in areas such as these, on a practical level, that provides the platform for courage to either be fostered or forgotten.  The world tells the Christian parents they have no choice in these matters.  Many are caught in that lie and allow the society to set the standards and the children to make tough decisions with their souls in the balance!  These areas of life are like a deadly cliff and the world dares them to see how close they can get to the edge without falling off.  Every effort has been taken to obscure the danger signs of God’s Word and parental authority.  Instead the children are distracted by temptations such as alcohol, drugs, sexual activity, and a multitude of other sins.

The Law says, “When you build a new house, then you shall make a parapet for your roof, that you may not bring bloodguiltiness on your house if anyone falls form it” (Deuteronomy 22:8).  How much more important is this precaution when parents are building a family?

Courage to take a stand in order to produce strong moral character in our family is the tool God has given us to renew His pattern for our families.  Courage must arise when times get difficult.  Pierre Auguste Renoir, the great French painter, suffered from great pain caused by arthritis.  His hands, twisted and cramped, still produced beautiful works of art.  He was asked by a friend who was watching him work, the pain so great he could only grasp the brush with the tips of his fingers, why he persisted in the face of great pain.  His reply is priceless:  “The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”  When courage in parenting is summoned those words seem to fit well. Parents are after a goal so precious that the fleeting pain can be faced with courage.

This courage must, however, often work in areas where absolutes are absent.  As tempting as it is to lay down hard and fast rules and demand compliance we acknowledge that God has given guidelines in His Word and parental authority.  We must respect His pattern.  Let us simply furnish some questions and teach parents to discuss openly and honestly the issues with their children , carefully explaining the why behind the rules they establish so that they children may benefit from the parents insight into the future benefits of following this particular rule.

What is the inward effect of the activity or dress in question?  What feelings are you fostering within yourself? Is this in keeping with your desired goals?   What messages are you sending to others?  Are these the messages you want sent and plan to follow through on?

What are the inward affects you are producing in others?  Will those of the opposite sex be tormented or tempted by your decision?

Where will this lead?   In 1982 there were reported almost one and a half million teenage pregnancies.  What innocent appearing activities lead to those statistics?  How much immoral and illegal activity never would have started if someone had decided to be different and choose not to dress a certain way, date a certain person or engage in unwholesome dancing?

Could I be thus engaged and be pleasing and ready for my Lord?  In the icy waters of Greenland one can see small ice floes making their way across the surface.  Moving among these floes are the giant icebergs.  They often go in opposite directions.  We are told that the small pieces of ice are moved along by the surface winds and the waves while the giant icebergs are moved by the deep ocean currents.  Are we being moved by the winds that blow or by the currents directed by God and His will?  God’s pattern for the family is within our grasp.  It will take courage to claim it.

David Bragg

Cape Girardeau, MO  

July 11, 1990