Renewing God's Pattern For The Home: Commitment

It is not a compliment to be called a Pharisee.  To us it is a by word, an appellation of contempt, a charge of a harsh and unloving attitude.  Such a person is blind to his own faults and shortcomings while being intolerant of the imperfections of others.  Jesus denounced the religious leaders of His time associated with this Jewish sect as hypocrites.  This is only one of the reasons why they held Him under near constant surveillance.  With a watchful and envious eye they monitored His daily moves, not seeking His insight but His life.  Luke records, “As he went away from there, the scribes and the Pharisees became very hostile, and began to draw him out on many subjects, lying in wait for him, in order to catch him in his speech” (Luke 11:53-54, McCord).  Mark adds, “Then the Pharisees went out and immediately plotted with the Herodians (another Jewish sect supporting the Romans) against him, how they might destroy him” (Mark 3:6).

These attempts where somewhat covert at first.  Their concern was couched in the supposed violation of the Law, working on the Sabbath.  Jesus’ disciples had picked some grain for lunch while passing through a field on the Holy Day, and Jesus had Himself healed a man in the synagogue from his distorted hand (Matthew 12).  But time for such secret activities was short and their desire to have Jesus out of their hair quickly gave way to more open and vicious attacks.  These cunning men turned to entrapment.

Taxes have always been a sore spot among the human race.  It was even more so with the Hebrew citizens of first century Judea.  Here was a perfect issue to serve as a trap for the Nazarene prophet.  Jesus was carefully placed between the issue of supporting a Gentile government that the Jews hated and that very government that demanded the tax payment (Matthew 22:11-ff).  Jesus was prepared for their trickery.  Cutting to the heart of the matter, as well as to the insincerity of His questioners, the Lord pointed to the image on a coin, indicating its association with Rome.   Man also bears an “imprint” (Genesis 1:26).  Give to God that which bears His image, and to man that which is his!  Where Hhis enemies focused on envy and impure motives, Jesus focused on a strong and sincere relationship with God.

Ranking right up there with taxes is the issue of death.  The questioner stepped up from the crowd on cue and put forth a delicate query on the subject of the resurrection, a question that had been making the rounds in religious circles for generations yielding no satisfactory answer (Matthew 22:23-ff).  The very way it was phrased indicates the passion with which this point had been contended.  Being outdone on the social issue they next hemmed in Jesus between the leading authorities on religion.  Whichever way He turned Jesus was certain to isolate Himself from the opposing party.  Jesus’ reply was accurate and penetrating.  He stood with neither, just with God!  The Word is clear on the fact of the resurrection, which the Sadducees denied.  But also the Word is unmistakable on the nature of the resurrection, which the Pharisees had failed to properly teach.

Perhaps the problem rested in the fact that two alternatives are just too easy for Jesus to get around.  With pride the next questioner steps forward and asks what he is confident will ensnare Jesus.  “Which is the greatest commandment?” (Matthew 22:36-ff) he asks.”  They had said that the Law contained at least 613 commandments.  Jesus was now placed between the various multitudes of possibilities that may be proposed by the individual Jew’s favorite preacher.  There was no way He could please them all.  Theoretically, if Jesus picked one he had opened Himself up on 612 sides.  But the Lord again revealed the folly of His opponents.  “Love God,” He said.

It is truly amazing how man persists in a losing proposition.  Their tactics in Matthew 22 were not new, neither had they proven successful in the past.  Matthew 19:1-3 is a classic example of the unsavory practice of entrapment.  Jesus was set up between the school of Rabbi Shammai and the school of Hillel over the subject of divorce.  The pain generated in today’s world is not likely to be greater that that felt in Matthew 19.

The discussion revolved around the meaning of the phrase “some unseemly thing” in Deuteronomy 24.  Shammai said it meant only adultery.  Hillel insisted that it meant any reason at all.  If you find someone better, cuter, or a better cook the dissatisfied husband may proceed with a divorce.  If you have to deal with a wife who talks so loud the neighbors can hear her in a house down the street the conditions are met.  All eyes were on Jesus.  What would He say?  Which would He pick?  Which side of the issue can turn away from Jesus muttering that He is a false teacher and not the true Messiah?  Again, Jesus just pointed to God.

Why have we not treated this text fairly?  It is rare to hear people discuss the other entrapment passage as fervently and vehemently as this one has been handled.  Yet, they all serve the same purpose and that is to point the listener, or reader, to God and to reveal His will.  Therefore, Matthew 19, along with the other New Testament passages that deal with marriage and the family, lay out for us God’s will in a clear and unmistakable manner.  We can come here with confidence.  Just as you would use a blueprint to build a house, here is the foundation blueprint from God to build a home.  God’s pattern for the family must not be abandoned.  It must rather be renewed.

The issues have clouded and obscured the truth.  Emotions have uprooted reason.  Scriptures have been twisted to prove a position already adopted.  Our homes have suffered due to the loss of God’s pattern in the confusion of the battle.  I am not saying the debate over marriage-divorce-remarriage is not valid.  I am saying that perhaps some have been guilty of neglecting the teachings of this passage because of the feared controversy man has derived from it.  Our families deserve more.  Our homes need these vital truths from God’s Word as a foundation for our Christian families.

Foundation number one: truth.  "Have you not read that he who made them at the beginning made them male and female" (Matthew 19:4).  Jesus pointed to God’s original pattern for the home.  Truth finds its origin in God.   God is its source.  This is true even on the subject of marriage and the family.  David wrote, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1).  When building, build with a purpose, build on the pedestal of Truth.

Every situation is different and the more personal the situation the more difficult it is to remain objective.  Not wishing to bring undue attention to anyone in particular, I have chosen to illustrate with one who willingly offers himself for our discussion.  In the September 29, 1989 issue of USA Weekend, a newspaper supplement found in the Southeast Missourian (and many other local newspapers), the well-known talk-show host Larry King shares his story of his previous failed marriages as he prepares to marry Julie Alexander.  Listen to what Mr. King has to say about his relationships:  “I married (my second wife) because she had two young children at home, I had a young daughter, and we felt it was right.  If (it had not been for the children), we would have lived together because times had changed.  But we felt we ought to do it RIGHT.”  He realized that there is truth!  There is a right way!  Truth calls for commitment to do the right thing in the right way, God’s way.

Foundation number two: trust.  "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife" (Matthew 19:5a).  The marriage relationship is held tightly by trust and loyalty.  In fact, the bond with one’s parent is superceded by a greater loyalty to one’s mate.  Trust and fidelity are the issues.  Solomon said that “the heart of the husband should rest safely in his wife and that she should do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:11-12).

The desire to roam from mate to mate is unreasonable and the consequences predictable, as the following letter dramatically illustrates.

  Dear Abby:

How about a letter from a “winner”?  My married lover left his wife for me!

    I was told that I wasn’t breaking up anything; his marriage was dead long before he even met me.  His wife had gotten fat.  I was married too, but I assured him that my marriage was also over – my husband had gotten dull and boring.

    So I divorced my boring husband and he divorced his chubby wife.  Oh, yes, we both had children, but we explained that we were in love and when they were older they would understand.

    Our marriage was a dream come true.  No more lying and sneaking around.  At long last we were legally man and wife for all the world to see.

    Our apartment was filled with modern furniture and old-fashioned guilt.  And plenty of doubt and mistrust.

    Two years later he was meeting someone new.  I told him he was a liar and cheat.  He said it took one to know one.

    And by the way, he’s gotten a little dull and boring, and I’ve put on a little weight.

                        A Winner.

The adage is true, if he will cheat with you he will cheat on you!  God’s pattern is reasonable, it rests on trust.  This foundation, as pictured by Jesus, requires a building process over a period of time.  To maintain it demands a lifetime of careful attention because it can be destroyed in a careless, unguarded moment.  When trust is shaken it should not be abandoned, which is the mistake too many modern couples make.  Instead it should be more closely attended until it is restored.  Then it will be even stronger then before.

Trust demands a commitment.  I saved an article from a church bulletin stating that in the city of Dallas, TX the trash collectors are required to undergo an intensive three-week training program before starting to work.  Yet some want to enter into a lifetime commitment with someone they just met?  In the most recent case for Larry King, the courtship spanned only 89 days.  That alone does not doom a marriage but if trust is not a foundation of the family the outcome is bleak.

Foundation number three:  transparency.  "The two shall become one flesh, ... so then, they are no longer two but one flesh" (Matthew 19:5b-6a).  One flesh calls to mind the physical union addressed in Hebrews 13:4.  Embodied with this idea is the concept of openness, transparency.  The union, lifted up on the truth and bound by trust creates transparency.  The result is a shared life that reaches far beyond the physical, to their personality (emotional) and spirituality.  I remember reading a bulletin article entitled, “Are You Married to the Wrong Person?”  As I finished the article the thought refused to leave me.  Perhaps that very question by-passes the Christian response.  Transparency brings one to ask, is my mate married to the wrong person?  Transparency within the family is a trait wrought through commitment.

Foundation number four: temporary.  "Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6b).  This is not quite the idea Cleveland Yelder, of Birmingham, AL had of “temporary marriages.”  He was married 17 times (Magnolia Messenger, June 1989).  Larry King, in the article mentioned previously, shared his thoughts on this point as well:  “You know, I worry about people who marry only once.  You mean to tell me you could meet someone at age twenty and that person fulfills all your needs, all your life?  Something’s wrong with that.”  Another writer tells of a successful businessman’s view of the family:  “Reaching the level of business success that I have requires total commitment.  If your family is too demanding, get a new family.  That’s what I did …”  (Tim Kimmel, Little House on the Freeway, 31).  When I say the marriage bond is temporary I mean only that it is valid as long as the binder does not absolve it.

While attending a seminar on the family in Nashville recently, one speaker made a comment that caught my attention.  He was talking of the stages of marriage.  The first stage was dependence.  In this stage the desire of each mate in the new union is to make the other person happy.  The second stage is independence.  In this stage members struggle to convey their own personal identity and needs.  Conflict is a natural companion for such tendencies.  The third stage is interdependence.  Here lies an awareness of mutual need of the couple.  Finally, the fourth stage is intimacy, a true closeness.  Then the speaker made an interesting observation.  Too often the marriage is broken at stage two and not allowed to grow naturally to intimacy.  The result is a continual cycle of losing.  This is “the easy way out” compared to God’s plan.

    Sidney would come home from word drained.  But three hungry children had to be fed.  Over the years he had become fairly efficient.  Little, eager hands would do a childish job of setting the table while his tired hands worked over the stove.  Laughs and lectures would make the dinner ritual more than substance for the body – it was also an investment in a lifetime.

    Dishes would be washed, clean pajamas would replace the clothes that bore the marks of a day of adventures, and stories and prayers would help sleepy eyes drift from the cares of the day to the quiet and safety of slumber.

    That’s when Sidney would retire to the back corner of the house.  He’d say goodbye to the day nurse and then complete the rest of his evening ritual.  A catheter bag had to be emptied and a bedpan had to be offered.  He would take a clean washcloth and warm water to wash the face of his bride.  It had been a couple of years since the accident.  Yet his vows were clear:  “For better or for worse.”  It could have been him who had been hit by the drunk.  Instead, it was the woman he loved.

    He would tell her all the good things about his day, never the worries.  He knew that she loved music, so he’d hum her a few tunes from their past.  Then he’d look into her eyes and tell her what he told her every night before she went to sleep and every morning when she woke up.

    “I love you, honey.  You’re my life, my love, and my wife.” (Tim Kimmel, Little House on the Freeway, 163).

Marriage has always been one of man’s preludes to glory.  God said of Abraham, “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him” (Genesis 18:19).  Years later the Hebrew writer spoke of those faithful men and women, including Abraham, with these words:

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.   For they that say such things declare plainly that they seek a country.   And truly, if they had been mindful of that country from whence they came out, they might have had opportunity to have returned.   But now they desire a better country, that is, an heavenly: wherefore God is not ashamed to be called their God: for he hath prepared for them a city (Hebrews 11:13-16).

The marriage bold is only temporary when compared with the eternal things of God.   When this view of temporary marriage replaces the popular view currently embraced by society, real progress will be noticed in renewing God’s plan for the family.  Then couples will stop viewing the marriage union like a vacation:  “If the weather gets bad or the fun starts to fade we can always back out!”  The temporary marriage calls for commitment “until death parts us” (infidelity is also offered as a legitimate but not necessarily automatic severance of the marriage bond; Matthew 19:9).

To renew God’s pattern for the family, husbands and wives must pull out the heavy machinery and go to work on their marriages.  The first tool that must be used to shore up the weak and galling walls is the tool that embodies Jesus’ reply in Matthew 19, commitment.   One minister found a good way to stress this to newly married couples.  He invites the bride to pull a rope to ring the church bell, marking the joyous occasion of their marriage.  Of course, he makes sure she will be unable to ring the bell although she pulls with all her might.  Turning to the groom the preacher asks him to assist his new bride.  Together, grasping the rope they pull and the bell sends sweet tones across the valley.  “As you go out into life,” the admonition begins, “never forget to pull together and your marriage will be strong.”

Once the couple has made this vital investment in their marriage a greater truth will be discovered.  They have made a significant investment in the families of their children and grandchildren. But in the meanwhile, children pay the price as countess numbers of them are pitted by parent against parent and fall hopelessly through the cracks of divorce.  What a terrible price is paid for the absence of commitment in the family.  What a tragic cost for those who do not seek to renew God’s pattern for their family.

David Bragg

Cape Girardeau, MO

July 10, 1990

Renewing God's Pattern For The Home: Courage

“Mirror, mirror on the wall,” the words of the familiar fairy tale goes.  But still the wicked queen, staring into the mirror, sees only a true reflection of herself.  When the church of today takes a serious looks into the mirror of God’s Word (James 1:23) will she find herself to have more in common with the New Testament pattern for the church and daily Christian (family/home) life or with the world?  The Lord’s call for separation (2 Corinthians 6:17) may not be as clear as we would like, since man always seems to lag behind Divine expectation and spiritual ideals, as if hoping to get by on the minimum requirements.  The problems and issues of the world are detectable in the Lord’s body.  To look hard and fast into that mirror takes courage.  Courage is the second tool God would have us use in renewing His pattern for our family.

An honest look into the security of our churches will reveal the struggles and sins of the world.  Reports have surfaced of preachers on drugs and involved in various sexual sins.  Elders have brought shame on the Lord’s church and broken apart their families through sexual affairs.  In St. Louis a murder/suicide was reported, family members attended an area church of Christ (St. Louis Post Dispatch, 7-12-87).  Although not, by any stretch of the imagination, commonplace, the world’s problems do not avoid the church.  Paul Faulkner, in his book Making Things Right When Things Go Wrong, quotes an anonymous lady: “My parents appeared to be very Christ-like in church.”  She added, “I was an abused child – sexually and spiritually.”  In a letter to the editor of the Gospel Advocate, May 1988, another victim write, “the church has ignored this problem too long.”  In September of that year The Christian Chronicle stepped forward to address again the painful and obscene problem that has spilled over from the world and infected the church.  These issues only seem to heighten the need for the discussions we are participating in this week.  Even in the Lord’s church, and especially in the world, a great need is present to renew God’s pattern for the family, to learn how to treat those we have vowed to love.  To make these changes will demand courage, first to admit the wrong, then to replace it with the right.

Value.  The family is a divine institution.  A return to the beginning stresses the origin and purpose of the family.  It was not good for man to be alone and God, in His wisdom, bestowed upon Adam a great gift of love.  Those making up the home are in the image of God and therefore to be honored.  Paul refers us to this fact in Ephesians chapters five and six.  Husbands and wives are to conduct themselves with love and respect.  The parent/child relationship is to embody love and honor.  Here are found divine directives leading to the family operating within God's pattern.  Not all problems will hereby be avoided, but in facing those issues that will inevitably come the family will be constantly reminded of their value.   God.  The family is a spiritual unit.  It is impossible to have a Christian home without a strong spiritual bond.  It is beyond human capability to sustain such a bond without great effort.  Yet, many families have taken this area for granted only to later wonder what when wrong.  What place has Bible study and prayer had in the home?  When has the family become involved as a unit in Christ-centered service to others?  When will the home become a haven from the world and not a reflection of it (2 Timothy 1:5)?  It will not until God's pattern for the family is renewed.

The cover story in the April 1990 Gospel Advocate addressed the concerns of family violence.  In this issue we are told that the average marriage lasts about seven years.  Half of the divorces occur in marriages lasting only three years and twenty percent of divorce takes place before the second anniversary.  Before the plane has a chance to get off the ground the crew has fled the tarmac!  People do not know how to treat their families.

A conservative estimate, according to Terry Smith, director of professional services at Paragould Children’s Homes in Arkansas, says thirteen million couples experience some form of violence in the family.  Twenty-five percent of all homicides occurring in the United States involve a spouse killing a spouse.  Family violence is the largest category of crime in our nation.  Almost two million wives are victims, on the receiving end of their husband’s violent attacks every years.  Such a problem is not pleasant nor is it likely to go away.  The church is equipped with the truth to restore a family priority to the ministry and teach individuals how to treat their family by developing and maintaining a string spiritual bond.

Heaven.  The family is eternity bound.  Individually, each member of every family is a step closer to eternity, either a lake of fire or the throne of God.  One must not underestimate the family’s influence on the eternal destiny of its members.  Harmony, peace and godly examples lived in everyday family life will account for many a soul singing eternal praises of glory in glory.  God would have us give our family a taste of heaven in our home life.  He would have us renew His pattern for our family and live it out each day.  Such a family will know how to treat one another, allow God to truly have the place of honor in the family and live looking to heaven, planning to meet there to thank God throughout eternity for His gift of your home.

  This is no empty dream that is beyond human realization.  Harry Houdini, the great escape artist, could break out of any jail, almost.  On one occasion he was left alone in a cell to work on the lock with the strong flexible piece of metal he had concealed in his belt.  The lock was a stubborn one.  After two hours of intense effort he collapsed against the door in exhaustion and the door swung open, it had never been locked!  People feverishly work at unlocking the family’s door to happiness in much the same manner never realizing that God, in His plan for our lives, has left the door unlocked all along.

I do not close my eyes and deny that family violence is present.  Neither do I over respond with the fear that it is everywhere.  Most of the homes I know of have problems but not battles.  So we turn away from the dangerous extreme of family violence to examine other areas of that further illustrate the need for courage.  These, rather than being encountered only occasionally and only found hidden under mounds of shame and guilt, are openly displayed on a daily basis.  God’s pattern for the family calls for regular doses of courage to reject ungodly and spiritually dangerous traits and an acceptance of Christ like character in the home.  A child with courage to be different in order to be saved does not happen by accident.  There are so many areas into which this discussion could tough that I will only attempt to deal with three areas.

We go back many years to find a nation which has been chosen, redeemed and is sustained by a God seen only in clouds and fire.  On a mountaintop in the desert this nation is given a Law.  Ten Commandments issue as the heart of this new system of government.  The fifth is worded in this manner:  “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).  Those words are of great significance for at least three reasons.  First, God gave it.  Second, it was the first command addressing human inter-relations.  Third, it was the first command connected to a promise.  Their stay in the Promised Land, toward which they were marching, was contingent upon the success they attained in keeping this charge.  Years later Paul would repeat this essential command (Ephesians 6:1-3).

Discharging this parental duty has never been easy.  Trouble began to boil as far back as Genesis chapter four.  The complaint of one distinguished mind has been repeated time and again:

Our youth now love luxury.  They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders, and love chatter in places of exercise.  They no longer rise when elders enter the room.  They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.

This is not the lament of a modern junior high school teacher, it is the observation of the fifth century B.C. scholar, Socrates.

Although parental responsibility does not end in the teen years and certainly does not begin there, it seems that it is during those years most parents find themselves tested by their teenaged children.  Consider these three areas and the examples of courage they require.

Dress.  God calls us to modesty.  The original language conveys the sense of shame, an awareness of the body, and a sense of honor, for God and others.  The question it raises is one of propriety, what is appropriate and proper (1 Timothy 2:9).  Modesty is not defined as a standard dress code.  This, then, demands caution and not harsh dogmatism.  Peter seemed to address it properly when he called for one to remember to whom they belonged and to dress reflecting honor upon that relationship (1 Peter 3:3-4).  It takes courage for parents to retain a strong influence on the dress habits of maturing children while stressing the reasons behind the rules.  The result of such courage may prevent much heartache and  regret for our youth in years to come.

Dating.  Our practice of dating is a cultural phenomenon, not even apart of the marriage system of the first century world.  However, the bible is not silent on this topic.  The courage of parental responsibility serves as a steady guide during these often troubling years.  This responsibility embraces the need to protect and train the child.  Our children need to see in us the courage to choose wisely with whom we associate on the path of life.  A child who is taught the need to choose a mate who will truly be a help-meet on the path to heaven has received a great blessing from their parents.  Paul’s admonition must be stressed at an early age: beware of improper friendships (1 Corinthians 15:33) and marry a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Besides the influence others are allowed to exert upon us, the temptations of this world require courage to face.  A child needs to be made aware, as he grows, of the dangers that lurk in the world.  The goal is not paranoia but young people prepared to decide with courage when faced with the most dangerous temptations in life.  That, after all, is the gist of Solomon’s advice: “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old (able to decide for himself) he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).  Train them to make good choices and to keep their goal of a strong Christian home always in clear focus.

Parents need the courage to teach purity to their children.  Contrary to the world’s philosophy, there is right and wrong.  Our beliefs concerning what is right or wrong must come from God’s inspired Word.  Another element that must be taught is how to apply those values to daily living.  We like to think that our beliefs and values are the same, but this may not always be the case.  A gap sometimes exists, complete with double standards, rationalizations, excuses, and even spiritual blindness.  Children will witness this hypocrisy although they may not buy the “explanation.”  This make is imperative that parents “practice what they preach” and that they remain true to God’s truth.  Then they can teach their children that it is important to remain pure now because it is God’s will, the dangers of disease and the harmony of the future home hang in the balance.  Children need courage to understand that peer pressure doesn’t always have to work to Satan's advantage!  A dedicated young person can wield a strong influence for good in the right company.  When facing the dangers of dating, youth need the courage to say no to a path that will lead away from the desired goal.

Dancing.  When Paul thumbs through the list of the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21) a sense of relief is often felt that he is not speaking of us.  A closer examination of what Paul is saying may bring embarrassment to some.

Included in that list is “licentiousness.”  Thayer says of the Greek word Paul uses here:  “Unbridled lust, excess, licentiousness, lasciviousness, wantonness, outrageousness, insolence.  Wanton (acts or) manners, as filthy words, indecent bodily movements, unchaste handling of males and females, etc..”  Another word Paul used was “revelries.”  In Liddell and Scott’s Greek lexicon this word is described as follows:  “A jovial feast with music and dancing, a carousal; a festive lascivious feasting.”  The list concludes with a catch-all phrase “and the like” (21).  Paul wants to include a wider sweep around the activities he has described to warn Christians of the spiritual dangers such sinful activities pose to the spiritual life and destiny of themselves and their families.

Dress, dating and dancing are topics easily dismissed by some as trivial but they are representative of a vast array of topics.  Do parents have the courage to monitor and regulate the television and entertainment of their children?  Do they have the courage to be involved in the educational process of their young children?  It is in areas such as these, on a practical level, that provides the platform for courage to either be fostered or forgotten.  The world tells the Christian parents they have no choice in these matters.  Many are caught in that lie and allow the society to set the standards and the children to make tough decisions with their souls in the balance!  These areas of life are like a deadly cliff and the world dares them to see how close they can get to the edge without falling off.  Every effort has been taken to obscure the danger signs of God’s Word and parental authority.  Instead the children are distracted by temptations such as alcohol, drugs, sexual activity, and a multitude of other sins.

The Law says, “When you build a new house, then you shall make a parapet for your roof, that you may not bring bloodguiltiness on your house if anyone falls form it” (Deuteronomy 22:8).  How much more important is this precaution when parents are building a family?

Courage to take a stand in order to produce strong moral character in our family is the tool God has given us to renew His pattern for our families.  Courage must arise when times get difficult.  Pierre Auguste Renoir, the great French painter, suffered from great pain caused by arthritis.  His hands, twisted and cramped, still produced beautiful works of art.  He was asked by a friend who was watching him work, the pain so great he could only grasp the brush with the tips of his fingers, why he persisted in the face of great pain.  His reply is priceless:  “The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”  When courage in parenting is summoned those words seem to fit well. Parents are after a goal so precious that the fleeting pain can be faced with courage.

This courage must, however, often work in areas where absolutes are absent.  As tempting as it is to lay down hard and fast rules and demand compliance we acknowledge that God has given guidelines in His Word and parental authority.  We must respect His pattern.  Let us simply furnish some questions and teach parents to discuss openly and honestly the issues with their children , carefully explaining the why behind the rules they establish so that they children may benefit from the parents insight into the future benefits of following this particular rule.

What is the inward effect of the activity or dress in question?  What feelings are you fostering within yourself? Is this in keeping with your desired goals?   What messages are you sending to others?  Are these the messages you want sent and plan to follow through on?

What are the inward affects you are producing in others?  Will those of the opposite sex be tormented or tempted by your decision?

Where will this lead?   In 1982 there were reported almost one and a half million teenage pregnancies.  What innocent appearing activities lead to those statistics?  How much immoral and illegal activity never would have started if someone had decided to be different and choose not to dress a certain way, date a certain person or engage in unwholesome dancing?

Could I be thus engaged and be pleasing and ready for my Lord?  In the icy waters of Greenland one can see small ice floes making their way across the surface.  Moving among these floes are the giant icebergs.  They often go in opposite directions.  We are told that the small pieces of ice are moved along by the surface winds and the waves while the giant icebergs are moved by the deep ocean currents.  Are we being moved by the winds that blow or by the currents directed by God and His will?  God’s pattern for the family is within our grasp.  It will take courage to claim it.

David Bragg

Cape Girardeau, MO  

July 11, 1990